ROBOT SMALL

I always refrain from giving you guys a minute by minute account of my life, because you would send me way too much money and Xanax, but here it is. Second to last day of 2006. Blow by blow.

5:55 AM Ivo awakes. This is actually kinda late for him. He has his first poop of the day. I change him, dress him warmly (the house is freaking cold) and sit him up with a bunch of toys so he can play in the bed next to me. I doze off.

6:30 AM I'm awake. The sun is coming up (it seems to come up WAY LATER in Venice than in Landers). Ivo is SO CUTE. I swear. It's almost worth it to wake up this early.

6:45 AM I get up, test my blood sugar (for those who don't know, I'm diabetic), give myself shots, dress, and put Ivo in the car to go to Cafe 50's for breakfast.

6:55 AM Go to creepy Ralph's in Venice (featured in The Big Lebowski, first scene). Buy baby food cuz John has a habit of eating all of Ivo's baby food. Go to Cafe 50's. Feed baby. Eat. Drink bad coffee. Waitress apologizes for weak coffee. I must look like I need the caffeine.

7:35 AM Try to go to drive-through Starbucks. I never went to too many drive-through's till I had a baby. But now, I'm an addict. Anything to avoid getting the kid out of the car seat. The line is too long, with assholes in SUVs. I'm going to have to do this on Cafe 50's coffee. Ouch.

7:50 AM Back home. Check email. Kid is rubbing his eyes. Tired. Make bottle. Change him again. Feed him bottle. He falls asleep while drinking it. I quietly stress about his sleeping habits (you're not supposed to let them associate food with sleep, but I have way too much to do today to tackle this one).

8:20 AM John has gone to Slovenia. I have a laundry list of shit to do today. BC (Before Child) this list would take me 1 hour. Post-child, I know that even the Fedex trip will strain my will to live.

8:30 AM Put DVD covers in cases. Try to make Fedex labels. Make phone calls in the quietest way I can. Address letters. Watch Lawrence of Arabia out of the corner of my eye.

9:45 AM Ivo awakes. In the nicest way possible, I put him in front of Lawrence of Arabia. Pack the car to go to Landers. This is going to be a LONG DAY I can already tell. Sympathize with nice neighbor lady about how hard having children is. Hers is 20. Ha ha ha. She is Ivo's VICTIM #1 today. He hypnotizes people with the cuteness. He waltzes through life (strapped into the Bjorn on my chest) leaving nothing but coo cooing fools and chin chucking morons in his wake. Beware.

10:30 AM Test blood sugar. It's too low. Eat granola bar.

11:15 AM I forgot how to get to Fedex. How did I forget how to get to Fedex? It must be in the part of my brain that needs sleep to live.

11:30 AM Arrive at Fedex. Ivo is in the Bjorn. I think, "This will be easy cuz it's Saturday." WAHHHHHHH. Crazy lady #1 is in the Fedex. They lost her package and she is threatening to call the FBI. Seriously. She claims to work in Washington DC. Ivo is trying to grab the paper I am writing on so hard that he gives himself a paper cut. I run and get the car seat out of the car to get him away from the paper. He is lounging in the car seat in his cute monkey shirt with a teddy bear. Who can resist him? Nobody. Ivo's VICTIM #2 arrives. He turns into a total idiot in front of the altar of the Ivo. I am writing furiously, thanking God for this stranger's antics.

12:00 PM More low blood sugar. I leave Ivo with VICTIM #2 in the Fedex to get another granola bar. Did I take too much insulin? I feel like I am going to pass out. You're really not supposed to leave your infant alone in the Fedex. It's going to be a BAD DAY.

12:15 PM Finally finish Fedex business. Go to Thai restaurant, with sassy gay waiters who are VICTIM #3 and VICTIM #4. Ivo lounges and eats some peaches and barley cereal, smearing it on the nice tables at the restaurant. They realize he's not so cute after all. I high-tail it out of there.

1:00 PM It's NAPTIME. Perfect. I get on the road. Make it to IKEA.

2:30 PM REASON FOR GOING TO IKEA. I Need To Buy A Crib So Ivo Will Not Sleep With Mommy Till He's 13. I have been warned. I spend way too much time in an extremely crowded and unpleasant shopping nightmare only to be told that my card is declined. My check didn't go through. Sucks to be me. Ivo is still in a relatively good mood though, although I am drenched in an anxious sweat, knowing that I only have about 2 hours left of baby sanity. After that, all bets are off.

4:00 PM I leave IKEA. Ivo is back asleep till 4:45 PM, when he wakes up WAILING his head off. I am in Redlands. Redlands is actually quite pleasant, in a old railroady bricky kind of way. I put Ivo in the stroller, walk around, try to be upbeat. I buy some beer, knowing I will certainly need it by the time I get home. I sit on the steps of an old bank building and feed him baby food out of a jar. I feel kind of footloose and fancy free. Just me and Ivo, traveling around, not a care in the world. I am remembering what it was like before I had a baby where entire days were unplanned, and things were experienced and discovered. We're having a good time. Right? Right. Until I try to put him back in the car seat. He is arching his back, stiff as a board. I explain to him that I'm sorry, but we have to keep going. It's 5:45 PM.

5:55 PM SCREAMS AND MORE SCREAMS. I stop in some godforsaken parking lot somewhere.. put him in the Bjorn facing me like I used to do it when he was a tiny baby. I throw a blanket over him, walk and rock him, it's like having a 2 month old all over again, only it's cold, I am outside, and he is losing his shit in a way that he didn't even do back then.

6:30 PM Give him a bottle and he pathetically, exhaustedly falls asleep in the car seat.

7:30 PM Arrive at the house. My mind has been utterly blank for the last hour. I don't even remember how I got home. I go inside, and deliberately turn on lights, heaters, get him out of the car, put him down, and help him fall asleep. It's quite easy. He has HAD IT. I feel like falling asleep beside him, but can't. Too much to do. Wash bottles, drink water, check blood sugar, drink beer, decide that dinner is too much work, eat crackers, check email, do the dishes, text message John, unpack the car, change into pajamas, brush teeth, thank god I am back in the middle of nowhere where no one can hear me or the baby scream. Ni-night, all!

DISCLAIMER: All days are not this bad. This post is just to illustrate how an utterly boring day (running errands, thai food for lunch, 2.5 hour drive) turns into a freakout hell ride when you have a kid. DON'T feel bad for me. DO send money and Xanax. Thank you.